Athletes parenting athletes

Key steps to parent the athletes living in your home and keep them close to your heart.

By Sarah A. Moser

Parents who are or were athletes themselves face unique challenges when parenting their own young athletes. And like most things in life, there isn’t a handbook for how best to lead your children through their youth sports experiences. In a recent two-part webinar, Justen Wack (’06), former MNU soccer player and Alumni Council member, interviews Kevin Wardlaw, MNU’s head soccer coach and executive director at TOCA FC, about ways parents often unknowingly sabotage their relationships with their children, and how to better support their kids in sports. Check out a snippet of the conversation below and watch the two-part virtual series yourself for loads of insight into parenting athletes here.

“I heard a statistic that 7 out of 10 kids will quit their main sport by age of 13,” says Kevin. “That floored me. Hit me smack in the middle of the chest as a parent.”

That startling statistic got Kevin wondering why so many kids hang up their cleats so young and what could be done about it. He says that some young athletes move on because they simply don’t have the athletic ability or opportunity to play or they’ve moved away from the team. “But 7 out of 10 is still high, and I think a lot of it can be traced back to the way the kids are parented,” he says. “We need to ask ourselves, what does success in my child’s sport look like? I don’t want my kids to quit their sport because of me and my parenting.”

 For 21 years, Kevin has coached student-athletes at MNU, and in 2011 he co-founded TOCA FC, a youth soccer club with more than 1,000 players in the Kansas City area. He has a Master’s degree in education. As a former soccer player and track athlete himself he brings a wealth of experience to the conversation. And at the heart of it all, he is dad to three daughters, who are all athletes themselves.

Kevin says it’s important to consider why you want your child involved in a sport; this greatly influences the way you approach parenting and how your child handles their experience. “If you don’t analyze this, you'll end up in one of three boxes, which include former athletes who had a great experience and want that for their kid; the opposite, a former athlete whose career got derailed and you think if only you had worked harder or done something differently it would have turned out better, so you push your kid to do more; or you just have no idea why. Your kid got into a sport and you ran with it and now your life is revolving around that sport.”

Then think about how you talk about the sport, even when you think your kid isn’t listening—because, believe it or not, they are always listening, especially to what you don’t want them to hear. Kevin cites a survey that said kids’ least-favorite part of youth sports was the car ride home. Yes, the car ride home!

“Think about it; a kid plays a game, then gets in the car, and win, lose, or draw, they are on to the next thing,” says Kevin. “They want to know if they can get ice cream, hang out with friends, what’s for dinner. But when the first thing out of your mouth as a competitive athlete is, ‘Well, that was a waste of time. If you would have worked harder, we probably would have won that game.’ And on and on. These comments aren’t coming from a bad place, we want our kids to work hard, but they are picking up on your energy and putting pressure on the kids.”

Instead, Kevin recommends that when you get in the car, you don’t say a word about the game, good or bad. Let the kid direct the conversation. “This helps make the sport theirs,” he says. “When my daughters go to their games and events, I say simply two things: have fun and work hard. Those are non-negotiables. And if they want to talk about the game after, I’m here. But otherwise, their mom and I don’t say a thing.”

This is a step toward handing the young athlete the keys to the game, letting them take ownership of their own sport. “It’s not your game, it’s theirs, no matter your athletic background,” says Kevin. “It doesn’t matter how much expertise I have, I’m dad, that’s it! Just dad in this situation.”

Kevin faced this himself when he felt that the “keys to the sport” were hanging in the balance between his daughter and himself and his wife. “I felt that the keys were dangling between us,” he says. “I made it clear that it’s her game, not ours, and that she can make the choice about playing. From that moment on, I could almost see her reach out and take the keys from the middle of us and make the sport 1,000 percent hers. From that moment on, I noticed her sleep patterns, diet, practice attendance, and efforts outside of practice improve. I didn’t do a thing, she did.”

Kevin shares lots more wisdom and insight on how to put your own athletic background, competitive drive, and emotions aside to put your young athletes in the driver’s seat of their experiences, without negating your role as a part. Don’t miss the rest of the conversation! Click here to listen to parts 1 and 2 and share your own thoughts on this ever-important topic.

Justen Wack, who chairs the Alumni Networks Committee, says that Athletes Parenting Athletes is the first of many impactful events the committee will offer for MNU alumni. "Our mission is to bring in subject matter experts and host events that offer value to alumni throughout every stage of life without asking for anything in return," he says. "Stay tuned!"